I wasn't like this, I promise

Sometimes I wish we hadn't met yet, I wish I had been healed before I met you, I promise I wasn't like this.

I wasn't some damage goods that I am today. I want to be the best version of myself when I'm with you, for that's all you deserve to get. 

I will love you with every broken pieces left in me, the ones that you've been trying to put back together the second you learned my secrets.

It's a lot of work, I am never gonna lie, and the biggest fear of mine is that you'll eventually get tired and leave.

I wasn't like this, I promise.

I will love you with every ounce of my being if you let me. I will have all ears and eyes on you and you only, but bear with me for a little while, I am learning to get myself back up and I promise you it will all be worth it. 

Men are scary

I once went on a date with a guy I met online. We did not hit it off or so I believed. I politely told him I wouldn't go on another date and eventually stopped responding to his text as he began to grow really clingy and needy which made me uncomfortable. He would blow up my phone with messages and unsolicited calls, he stalked me online for an entire week.

I blocked and reported his social media accounts, told him off for the last time that he was making me uncomfortable. I've never been so appalled, men are scary.

From the day we first met

you stole all of my heart

you had a kind of fickle air around

and lonely eyes

never ending tick-tock

rings over and over in this world

even though my tears are about to pour

from the harsh words and nagging voices I experience

I am sure if we're together

we'd find mundane happiness

to you, who can't smile in troubling days

please have the brightest morning I can think of

come take my hand

even the days you lock yourself inside 

because you want to forget

I will melt them with warmth of my embrace

so there is nothing to be afraid of

until the sun rises

let's stay together

I just wanna rant...

Cutting off toxic relationship is hard. Some may say just let them go, leave them, stop fueling their ego, ignore them, never look back. Truth is, it's not as simple as it might seem. I was convinced I was in a perfectly healthy and happy relationship for two whole years with someone who would go days without checking up on me, someone who would let me go to sleep upset, someone who would twist my words, guilt-trip and manipulate me in a way that I believed I was the crazy one just for reacting, someone who took me for granted, someone who didn't appreciate me. 

My abandonment issue made it worse, I would beg them to stay and do anything just to make things work. I would go overboard just to please them, to keep them in a good mood while ignoring my own needs and wellbeing. I would think they treat me well just for doing the bare minimum right before they began to treat me like a doormat as per usual. I was blinded, manipulated, verbally and mentally abused for two damn years and I was convinced I was the crazy one, I kept questioning my own sanity the whole time.

In the back of my mind, I somehow could see it happening but it still left me in a big shock when I found out they were being unfaithful. As you would expect of me, I forgave them, I gave them a second chance thinking they would change and make things better. Oh how big of a fool I have been.  

Not long after that, they did it again, a lot worse this time and I eventually left them. It was hard, I was in pieces, damaged, mentally and physically in pain. Even after everything, parts of me believed I was the one to blame, crazy isn't it? I spent days and night crying over it, blaming myself thinking it was all my fault that it happened.