June 19th, 2025
"He'd be better off dead", words that I never dared say out loud but I'd be lying if I said that such morbid thought never once crossed my mind. That thought had been sitting heavy in my chest for a long time, it made my heart clench with immense guilt, but heaven knew I was never wishing harm. I was wishing for peace, for my dad, my mom, and myself. We were tired, that deep kind of tired that seeps into your bones and doesn’t go away with sleep, the kind of tired where you cry without making a sound, because you don’t even have the energy to fall apart properly. My mom, who had been the sole caregiver for him was wearing thin. My dad was probably just a shadow of who he used to be. We’ve been carrying this grief for so long, and now… now it’s real. And no matter how much we tried to prepare, nothing can prepare us for this kind of loss. We loved him, through the exhaustion, through the frustration, through the years of pain, we never stopped loving him.
After years of watching my dad slowly fade under the weight of his illness, I thought maybe I had already grieved him. I thought maybe the long nights, the quiet tears, the helplessness… that was the grieving. But now that he’s really gone, the ache feels completely different, sharper, heavier, quieter, somehow. It’s not just sadness, it’s this strange, suffocating emptiness that creeps into the little moments. I miss him in the pauses, in the routines, in the way the house feels different.
I carry guilt too, there’s so much guilt, for all the times I felt frustrated, for the moments I wished it would end just so my mom could finally rest, for not being there enough, even when I was doing everything I could. I hate that I ever thought he’d be better off gone… but it wasn’t because I didn’t love him. It was because I loved him so much, I couldn’t bear to see him suffer. Watching him slowly disappearing in pain and helplessness for years was such an emotional torture, and there was no end in sight. My mind started searching for anything that might have eased the suffering, even if it was the kind of thought that I didn't dare say out loud.
Now, I’m learning how to grieve him all over again, not just the illness, not just the slow fading, but the finality. The space he left behind, and still, in the middle of all the pain, I carry love, a love that’s been bruised but never broken, a love that stays in my voice when I say his name, in the parts of me that will always be his. Grieving him now is like learning how to live in a world that feels wrong without him in it, and somehow… I keep going because I know he’d want me to.
The grief follows me into rooms, lingers in my chest, and creeps into even the smallest of silences. It doesn’t look like crying all the time, it looks like pausing mid-thought because I remembered his voice, or feeling a sudden ache in the middle of a good day because I remembered he’s not here to share it with.
Rest easy, Pa. I know things were really hard for you. I know you were tired and in pain for so long, and I hated seeing you like that. but I want you to know that I never stopped loving you, not once. Even when it was hard, even when I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more. I’m sorry if I ever seemed distant or frustrated. I was just scared. I was trying so hard to be strong. Thank you for holding on as long as you did. Thank you for being my dad.
You can rest now, okay? I’ll take care of mom. I’ll be okay someday.
