I just wanna rant...

Cutting off toxic relationship is hard. Some may say just let them go, leave them, stop fueling their ego, ignore them, never look back. Truth is, it's not as simple as it might seem. I was convinced I was in a perfectly healthy and happy relationship for two whole years with someone who would go days without checking up on me, someone who would let me go to sleep upset, someone who would twist my words, guilt-trip and manipulate me in a way that I believed I was the crazy one just for reacting, someone who took me for granted, someone who didn't appreciate me. 

My abandonment issue made it worse, I would beg them to stay and do anything just to make things work. I would go overboard just to please them, to keep them in a good mood while ignoring my own needs and wellbeing. I would think they treat me well just for doing the bare minimum right before they began to treat me like a doormat as per usual. I was blinded, manipulated, verbally and mentally abused for two damn years and I was convinced I was the crazy one, I kept questioning my own sanity the whole time.

In the back of my mind, I somehow could see it happening but it still left me in a big shock when I found out they were being unfaithful. As you would expect of me, I forgave them, I gave them a second chance thinking they would change and make things better. Oh how big of a fool I have been.  

Not long after that, they did it again, a lot worse this time and I eventually left them. It was hard, I was in pieces, damaged, mentally and physically in pain. Even after everything, parts of me believed I was the one to blame, crazy isn't it? I spent days and night crying over it, blaming myself thinking it was all my fault that it happened.

Dear you,

I'm not moving on but I'm letting you do your own thing. I may not be talking to you at the moment, believe me it's a huge pain trying not to reach out to you. 

but if you would call or message me, I will respond in a heartbeat, I'll drop everything and listen to you.

I may not greet you in the morning or text you good night, but heaven knows you're the first person I think of as soon as I open my eyes and the very last person on my mind before I sleep.

right now I'm just focusing on myself, dealing with my own shits (excuse my language), but I can't deny that I'm missing you so bad, I'm missing our random talks, I'm missing all those funny reels we used to share with each other, I'm missing your quirks, and even your corniest-dirtiest jokes you love to throw every now and then. 

I wish I could talk to you but I know I shouldn't because I know my worth, at least I try to. 

you will always be my favorite not-my-type person in my life, the door will remain open for you and you should know that 💛

I'm a lot

yes, i am a lot

in fact i am a lot of woman

with a lot of personality 

i care a lot, i think a lot

i have a lot of worries 

i have a lot on my plate

i give a lot of gifts

but i require a lot of attention in return 

you're right, i am a lot

a lot of love

a lot of emotions 

a lot of anger

a lot of dreams

i'm a lot to handle

but if i'm a lot to you

go find less

Wasted Years

All these years I was settling, hoping you’d just try and change

as I kept telling myself to just give you another chance

All these years I let you let myself waste my potential 

I let you let myself bury all my dreams and leave everything behind

All these years all you’ve ever done was weighing me down

as you kept telling me I wasn’t enough

All these years, yes all these years I was blinded

I loved you so much that I let you keep me enslaved

All these years all i’ve seen was the good in you

overlooking all your flaws and ignoring the towering red flag

All these years i’ve been attached to you

in hope for the  better version of you that I wish it existed

would finally come along and fix things

New Year New Me Bullshit

I’ve never wanted anyone to feel like they’re walking on eggshells around me. I used to get offended easily at times, but I’ve learned enough to not let trivial things get to me. 

It’s safe to say that I’ve changed, for the better. I’m not saying I’m a complete different person now, the change wasn’t major but that still counts and it matters, I’m changing, I am evolving. 

With that being said, on the contrary, I’ve been extremely careful with my words and actions, I’ve been trying not to offend anyone, especially my loved ones, people who are very dear to me. But now I feel like I’m the one walking on eggshells. It feels like everything I say, everything I do always comes out wrong, or worse they always take full offense when none intended. 

2022

I know that 2022 hasn’t officially ended, but heaven knows I’ve had enough of it. I really thought 2021 was rough, but oh boy…2022 has been a ride, a hell of a ride. 

Earlier this year, I had a good feeling, I was all “I’m ready for whatever 2022 brings” for like a month or so. Sure everything went fine, it felt like I had it all together, I was finally content, loving my life, having everything that I’ve ever wanted. 

Things took turn in February, my dad had a stroke, a serious one. His left side got completely paralyzed, he lost his ability to speak for a whole day, and his speech is now garbled. 

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I found a gut-wrenching truth about my boyfriend, he had been lying about something that I thought meant a lot to me, we had a fight, a big one. Until we finally called it quits.

Fast forward to a month later, we decided to get back together, we tried to rekindle our connection, we tried to get back all the sparks. It wasn’t easy, given the fact that he had lied, it was difficult for me to trust him again but I tried. Things were going on and off for months, until we’ve come to our sense and we had it together. We were happy, in love, getting stronger together despite everything that had happened. 

Curiosity killed the cat, they said. I guess that’s true. I saw my bf’s phone and out of curiosity and of course anxiety mixed with jealousy, I tried to unlock his phone, and unexpectedly I got his password right. That’s when I found out that he slept with another woman. In his defense, he did it when we were on a break, well we technically did break up. But what hurt me was that he still kept in touch with her even after we got back together. Sure they didn’t do anything other than talking, and he said he was going to end things with her since we got back together. But things happened, my heart got broken as well as my trust, again. 

I don’t know what the universe is planning for me, but I feel like I’ve reached my limit, I can’t take another fallout, another heartbreak, another meltdown, or even another character development phase. I’m tired, just let me be happy, loved, rested, healed. 

Do not touch me

I was empty 

You were full of words

Smooth talking 

Hands on me

You were bigger

Twice my size

I was tiny

Unholy 

It was mine

Not your clothes 

To remove 

I couldn’t move

Pinned down

Lost in thoughts 

Please refrain 

Do not touch me 

-isn